Finding Motivation: Losing Challenging Behaviors

We all have days when we simply do not want to get out of bed. We hit the snooze button. We negotiate with ourselves to stay under the covers just a little bit longer. We promise ourselves a large, fancy coffee or a treat at lunch if we can just get up and start the day.

If we as adults need these little nudges to get us motivated and moving, imagine how difficult it is for a child.

They have less control over their lives and often lack the skills to manage their emotions. It is no wonder that getting them to complete a task they do not like can feel like climbing a mountain.

Everyone has been in a situation where they did not want to complete a task or participate in an event. It can be easy to bribe oneself to do something unpleasant or boring, knowing that there is an opportunity to do something fun afterward.

When working with children, it can at times be difficult to maintain control when you are attempting to have them complete a tasks they do not like. These tasks can include a variety of things.

Oftentimes, children need some extra motivation to complete a more difficult or undesired task. This is where the First Then strategy and charts come into play and are valuable tools to help complete the tasks.

This article will explore how you can use simple strategies to help your child find motivation. We will discuss why behaviors happen and how visual tools can change the dynamic in your home. We will look at how to build trust through consistency.

We will also share practical examples that you can use today. Our goal is to help you reduce stress and increase cooperation. Hopefully, by the end of this piece, you will have a clear plan to help your child succeed.

Understanding the Root of Resistance

Before we can fix a behavior, we must understand it. Children do not act out simply to be difficult. There is usually a reason behind the refusal. Sometimes the task is too hard.

Sometimes they are tired or hungry. For many children with neurodiverse learning needs, the world can be an overwhelming place. Sensory processing issues can make a simple trip to the grocery store feel painful. Anxiety can make a new activity feel terrifying.

When we ask a child to do something they find difficult, their brain might go into defense mode. They might cry, scream, or shut down. This is not them being bad.

This is them communicating that they are struggling. As parents and caregivers, we need to listen to that communication. We need to meet them where they are emotionally and developmentally.

If we approach resistance with empathy, we can change the outcome. Instead of a battle of wills, it becomes a problem we solve together. We can acknowledge that the task is hard. We can validate their feelings. Then, we can offer a way forward. This approach builds a bridge between you and your child. It shows them that you are on their team.

Consider the child who refuses to put on their shoes. It might look like defiance. However, it could be that the socks feel uncomfortable on their feet. It could be that they struggle with the fine motor skills needed to tie laces. It could be that they do not want to leave the house because they are playing a game they love.

Once we identify the barrier, we can find the right motivation to overcome it.

The Power of Visual Structure

Complex instructions are difficult for anyone to understand. If someone gave you a list of ten things to do in a foreign language, you would likely feel lost. For children, auditory processing can be a challenge. When we speak, our words vanish into the air. A visual aid stays present. It serves as a constant reminder of what is expected.

This simplified step by step chart can be extremely effective for learners who require a visual aid or need to know what is coming next. A First Then chart simplifies the instructions given. It shows children that when they participate in a non preferred activity, they will get to do something they find more desirable afterward.

The concept is simple. The First is the work. The Then is the reward. This structure provides predictability. Predictability reduces anxiety.

When a child knows exactly what they need to do and exactly what will happen when they are done, they feel safer. They feel more in control. This sense of safety is crucial for children with autism, ADHD, or other developmental delays.

Visual schedules remove the power struggle. It is not you telling the child what to do. It is the chart. You can point to the chart and say, “Look, the board says first shoes, then park.” This directs the frustration away from you and onto the routine. It helps you stay calm and consistent. It helps the child understand that the expectation remains the same, no matter how much they protest.

Your First Then Chart

A First Then chart can look different depending on the level of communication that a child uses. Some children require a visual with pictures. You can make a chart on a piece of paper. You can use a small whiteboard. You can even use apps on a tablet. The format matters less than the function.

For younger children or those with limited language, photos are best. Take pictures of actual items in your house. Take a picture of their shoes. Take a picture of their toothbrush. Take a picture of their favorite toy.

Real photos help them make the connection between the image and the object. You can use Velcro to attach the pictures to a board. This allows you to change the activities easily.

For older children who can read, you can write the words. You can still use color or drawings to make it engaging. Involve your child in the creation of the chart. Let them pick the color of the paper. Let them choose the stickers. When they feel ownership over the tool, they are more likely to use it.

Keep the design simple. Do not clutter the board with too much information. The focus should be on the two boxes. One box says First. The other box says Then. Anything else can be a distraction. You want the child to focus on the sequence. First this happens. Then that happens.

Selecting the Right “First”

The First should always be the less preferred activity. This includes chores, homework, or hygiene tasks. However, it is vital to choose a task that the child can actually do. If the demand is too high, no reward will be enough motivation.

Start small. If your child struggles to clean their room, do not make the First “clean entire room.” That is too big. Make the First “put away blocks.”

Once they master that, you can increase the challenge. We want them to succeed. Success breeds motivation. If they fail every time, they will stop trying.

You may need to break tasks down into tiny steps. This is called task analysis. Instead of “get dressed,” try “put on shirt.” Completing a small step gives them a win. It builds momentum. You can use a series of First Then exchanges to get through a larger routine.

Be specific. “Be good” is too vague. A child does not know what that looks like. “Sit in chair” is clear. “Quiet voice” is clear. The child needs to know exactly what success looks like. They need to know when they are done. Using a timer can help with this. “First read for 5 minutes, then iPad.” The timer adds another layer of visual structure.

Finding the Magic “Then”

The Then should always be a preferred activity. This could be play, a favorite treat, listening to a favorite song, or tickles. The reward must be motivating enough to override the resistance to the work. It must be worth the effort.

Every child is unique. What motivates one child might not interest another. You need to become a detective. Watch what your child chooses to do in their free time. Do they love spinning items? Do they love soft textures? Do they love running outside? Use these interests to your advantage.

Rewards do not always have to be food or toys. Social rewards are powerful. “First clean up, then we play tag.” “First vegetables, then we read a book together.” Attention from a parent is often the biggest motivator of all.

Sensory activities make excellent rewards. For a child who needs input, jumping on a trampoline or getting a tight hug can be very organizing. It helps their body regulate. This sets them up for success with the next task.

It is okay to use different rewards for different tasks. Harder tasks might require bigger rewards. Easy tasks might only need a high five or verbal praise. The key is that the child desires the Then item at that specific moment. If they are full, a snack will not work. If they are tired, running will not work. You have to match the reward to the current state of the child.

The Importance of Immediacy

When facing any challenging behaviors at home, First Then charts can be helpful in decreasing the occurrences of these behaviors. This is due to the fact that when a child is motivated by a reward, they are more likely to engage in an activity they do not necessarily enjoy doing. However, the timing is critical.

The Then activity must occur immediately after the First activity is complete. Young children and those with developmental delays have a hard time waiting. If you say “First clean up, then we can go to the park on Saturday,” the connection is lost. The reward is too far away. They cannot feel the benefit.

For the strategy to work, the reinforcement must follow the behavior instantly. As soon as the last block goes in the bin, the music starts. As soon as the shoes are on, the door opens. This tight pairing teaches the brain that work leads to good things.

Over time, you can increase the time between the task and the reward. But in the beginning, speed is your friend. You want to create a strong mental link. Work equals reward. Compliance equals happiness.

Consistency Builds Trust

It is important to remember that if the child completes the First activity, they also get to participate in the Then activity that has been set prior to beginning the non preferred activity. Even if it takes longer to complete the task, or a child needs help to complete the task, they still get to participate in the Then activity that they were promised.

This is a promise. When you put pictures on the board, you are making a contract with your child. You must honor that contract. If you fail to provide the reward, you break trust.

If the Then activity does not occur after the child has engaged in the First activity, they are not likely to trust that what the chart says is true. They will be less motivated to engage in the non preferred activity next time.

Do not withhold the reward because of behavior during the task. If the deal was “First wash hands, then cookie,” and they cried while washing their hands but still washed them, they get the cookie. You can address the crying separately. But you must reinforce the completion of the task. If you move the goalposts, the child will give up.

Consistency helps children feel safe. They learn that your word means something. They learn that the system works. This reduces anxiety behaviors like negotiation or tantrums. They know that if they just do the thing, they get the good thing. It becomes a predictable routine.

Strategies for Daily Life

Let us look at some real world examples of how this looks in a busy home.

Morning Routine:
Mornings are often chaotic. You can use a chart to smooth the transition. “First brush teeth, then watch cartoons.” Place the chart in the bathroom. Have the remote control ready. As soon as the toothbrush goes down, the TV goes on.

Mealtime:
Picky eating is a common challenge. “First one bite of broccoli, then a piece of fruit.” You do not have to demand a full plate. Start with a single bite. This reduces the pressure. It makes the meal manageable.

Transitions:
Leaving a fun place is hard. “First walk to the car, then hold your favorite toy.” Give them something to look forward to in the car. This bridges the gap between the fun park and the boring ride home.

Homework:
“First one math problem, then one minute of break.” For children with ADHD, long focus periods are painful. Breaking it up makes it possible. It might take longer, but it gets done without a meltdown.

When used correctly, First Then charts can greatly increase the likelihood of your child participating in household chores, completing homework, or listening to adult instructions. It turns conflicts into cooperation.

Moving Beyond Bribery

Parents often worry that this is just bribery. There is a distinct difference. Bribery happens in the middle of a bad behavior to make it stop. The child is screaming, and the parent says, “If you stop, I will give you candy.” This teaches the child to scream to get a negotiation.

Reinforcement is planned ahead of time. The expectation is set before the behavior starts. “First clean up, then candy.” The child knows the rule. They are working towards a goal. This teaches responsibility and delayed gratification. It is the same principle as a paycheck. Adults work first, then get paid. We are teaching children how the world works.

We want our children to develop internal motivation. We want them to do good things because it feels good. However, that is a complex skill. External motivation, like these charts, is a stepping stone. It helps them build the habit of compliance. Once the habit is formed, we can fade the visual supports. We can fade the rewards.

Eventually, the satisfaction of a clean room becomes the reward. The feeling of success becomes the motivator. But we have to start somewhere. We have to help them get over the initial hurdle.

Common Challenges

Sometimes the chart does not work. That is normal. Do not panic. Look at the variables.

Was the First task too hard? If the child physically or cognitively cannot do the task, no reward will help. You may need to teach the skill first. You may need to offer help. It is okay to assist them hand over hand to complete the task so they can contact the reinforcement.

Was the Then reward not motivating enough? Preferences change. What they loved yesterday, they might hate today. Keep a variety of options available. Let them choose the Then from a menu of choices. This gives them power.

Did you wait too long? Remember the rule of immediacy. If there was a delay, the connection might have failed.

Are you being consistent? If you only use the chart sometimes, it loses power. It needs to be a reliable part of their routine.

Is the environment too distracting? If the TV is on while you are asking them to work, they cannot focus. managing the environment is part of the strategy.

Professional Support and Collaboration

Sometimes families need more support. That is okay. Every child follows a unique developmental path. At Eyas Landing, we understand that these challenges can be exhausting. Our team of specialists is here to help you navigate these waters.

Therapists use these strategies every day. An occupational therapist might use a First Then chart to help a child tolerate a sensory activity. A speech therapist might use it to encourage communication. A behavior therapist can help you design a system that works specifically for your home.

We believe in a multi disciplinary approach. We look at the whole child. We consider their physical needs, their communication style, and their emotional regulation. We collaborate with parents to create plans that fit into your real life. We want to empower you with tools that are practical and effective.

You are the expert on your child. We are the experts on development. Together, we can create a roadmap for success. We can help you troubleshoot. We can help you adjust the goals as your child grows.

New Environments

Once your child masters the First Then concept at home, you can take it on the road. A portable chart can be a lifesaver at the grocery store or the doctor office.

“First sit in the cart, then hold the cereal box.”
“First doctor listens to heart, then sticker.”

Using the same language and the same visual cues across different settings helps the child generalize the skill. They learn that the rule applies everywhere. Work comes before play. Effort brings reward.

This prepares them for school. Classrooms run on schedules. Teachers use similar strategies. If your child already understands the concept, they will adapt faster. They will be better prepared for learning.

Patience and Empathy

Change takes time. You are retraining your child’s brain. You are building new neural pathways. There will be days when it feels like nothing is working. There will be setbacks. That is part of the journey.

Be patient with your child. Be patient with yourself. You are learning too. Celebrate the small wins. Did they put on one sock without crying? That is a victory. Did they transition from the park with only a small whine? That is progress.

Focus on the positive. Catch them being good. “I love how you looked at your schedule!” “Great job finishing your First!” Positive reinforcement builds self esteem. It makes the child feel capable and proud.

Keep the tone warm. Your voice matters. If you sound angry or frustrated, the child will pick up on that energy. Keep your instructions neutral and calm. “First shoes, then park.” It is just a fact. It is not a threat.

Finding motivation and losing challenging behaviors is a process. It is a journey we take alongside our children. Tools like First Then charts are roadmaps. They simplify the complex world. They provide safety and structure. They turn battles into partnerships.

Remember that you are not alone in this. Every parent struggles with motivation. Every child has moments of resistance. By using visual supports, understanding the root of the behavior, and maintaining consistency, you can create a more peaceful home. You can help your child develop the skills they need to navigate the world.

Start small today. Pick one routine. Make one chart. Find one motivating reward. See what happens. You might be surprised at how capable your child truly is when they have the right support.

At Eyas Landing, we are committed to meeting you where you are. We celebrate every milestone, no matter how small. We are here to support your family as you build these essential skills. Together, we can help your child reach unimaginable goals.